Masculinity

Today I was at a Shari's for breakfast with some friends of mine. After a bit of light hearted conversation it took a bit more meaningful turn toward wives, then wives crying, then not understanding why women cry. Don't get me wrong, handling an ambush cry from my wife is not one of the most pleasant experiences but we all do it. The comment that my seemingly masculine friend made was rather revealing and at the same time a sad realization of our concept of masculinity. He said, "You know fathers, they push and push and after awhile you don't even cry when you smash your finger. You just look at it and say, 'damn that hurt.'" My heart broke at the realization that we are effectively desensitizing the male sex to God given emotions.

I have always been a crier and maybe that is why this sort of comment bothers me, but to be honest, I am not sure that is the case, it seems to be more. Freud found that the release of catharsis (the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions) was healthy and suppression was an unhealthy alternative. Our society has seemed to place value in men that are "strong" enough to suppress their crying emotion. Is that why men who beat their wives are perceived as tough? Is that why women (because they cry) have traditionally been considered weak? The answer seems be yes. Men who release their emotions in ways that devastate others though words, actions, or impressions, are considered masculine while the men that blow off steam though crying are written off as "girly." Could it be that masculinity is not found in ones self control of tears but in ones confidence of self. The self control to be confident in the person that God made you; the self control to show love even to other men; the self control to replace sarcasm with honest words; and the self control to affirm Gods gift of tears. In my opinion, these seem to be masculine traits and those that need to demean others to feel masculine are insecure boys. Can we affirm God given masculinity by finding the ability to release our emotion in constructive and rejuvenating ways rather than hurting our brothers and sisters around us?

This has been a thought that has challenged me even as a crying man. Masculinity is found in love for ones neighbor not in apprehended strength.

Thankful For Friends

One of the great blessing of my life is, to never have been without friends. Growing up my parents had a close group of people that they went to high school with. They stayed connected to this day. Naturally, they all had kids and we all became friends. We would play upstairs as our parents below shouted in joy after a wining hand of cards. It was something I never thought twice about. This was normal for me, and as most of us do with our situations early on, I assumed it to be normal for all. But as we (the kids) grew up we grew apart.


I started to go to youth group when I was in junior high and continued for six years until I finished high school. During my time there, I met some very interesting people and, normally enough for me, we became friends. The friends that I made in those years would prove to be some of the most valuable relationships of my life. Just to mention the most important, it was the place I met Jess. As all of us grew up together we became closer. Things like youth group retreats, mission trips, and lock-ins were the glue that bonded us together. In high school there was not a week that would go by where we did not spend time together at my house. As we got older the get-togethers happen close to three nights a week. As High School ended and “the crew” went to college or work and the dynamic changed. The group got smaller and the get-togethers less frequent. Some of us grew apart and some of us are still friends today. 


The experiences of my past, namely, parents having life long friends since high school along with thinking that I had found a similar thing in my own high school friends made me believe that I had it all and there was little need to expand my own friendship as I came to Northwest. This is not to say I was opposed to new friends but I did not feel the need to actively seek a group of friends similar to the one I had found growing up. I took friendship for granted. But, an interesting thing happened over the four years I attended NU; little by little I began to naturally develop a sense of community with people who seemed to be the least likely candidates for friends. As we went through school together we became closer. This group of friends seemed to be different than previous one though. The things that bonded us together were not just similar events but they were dissimilar ideas, experiences, and beliefs. And as we grew together in our acceptance of each other, out of love, our dissimilarities and shared experiences began to challenge and refine each others individual world views. This was not a painless process. In fact, it was actually a quite painful process at times but is was bearable because we had each other. As we practiced community by showing love to each other, before we knew it we had built something that none of us had experienced before nor could live without afterward “True Community.”

Unfortunately, this “True Community” is not a utopian society. We still hurt each other with painful words and actions, we still end up valuing ourselves over each other, and we still doubt each others motives. But as Mike explained to me a few days ago, “What makes our community so beautiful is that we choose to trust each other even though none of us are trust worthy.”

Just the other day a friend of ours was rushed to the hospital because of a flu shot gone wrong. They told her and her family that she could lose her arm and possibly her life. I received an email as they were taking her into emergency surgery asking us to pray. And at that moment it hit me more than ever before. This is why God has brought us together. This is why we have developed relationships with each other. To help, guide, and encourage each other through life. I remember receiving a call from Mike in the middle of the night, he was more distraught than I have ever heard someone. He told me that his little sister had tried to commit suicide for the second time in just a few days. In one of the most magnificent displays of friendship I have ever seen, Andrew, Veronica, and Brian drove Mike over the pass and though a blizzard to get to her just incase she didn’t make it through the night. Though a spectacular turn of events, of which I credit to God, she beat incredible odds and survived. This is a story of community; a story of love.

As we enter into a season of thanksgiving I am thankful for this community in which we all have been gifted. I believe that it is by no accident that we have been bound together and look forward to living life alongside all of you in the days ahead. I am sure that this group will mold and change as time goes on but let us make one commitment to each other. A commitment that no matter what happens over the years, to take the love that Christ fosters in this community and find ways to give it away to others. To include the left out, accept the unaccpetable, to love the unloveable, and embrace the objectionable. Let us adopt the orphans, care for the sick, give to the needy, and to welcome home the exiled. This is the example of Christ. May we not just love within this community, but instead, let the love that our community breeds sustain us to give love away. I love each of you dearly and consider you to be my closest friends! Happy Thanksgiving!